Catfish victim makes “the best of life”

It all started with a friend request.

Kirat Assi thought she had hit the jackpot when Bobby, a handsome cardiologist, contacted her in 2009.

He wasn't a complete stranger. The couple were both from the Sikh community in west London and had mutual friends.

So Kirat accepted and their online chats evolved into deeper conversations before evolving into a full-on love story.

The two became increasingly entangled in each other's lives, but never met, even after years of exchanging letters.

Bobby would come up with more and more outlandish excuses. He had suffered a stroke. He had been shot. He had entered witness protection.

However, the tall tales were always confirmed by someone close to Bobby – or so Kirat thought.

In reality, she was the victim of an extremely elaborate and traumatizing catfish fishing program.

After nine years, when there were no more excuses, Kirat finally met Bobby.

But she didn't recognize the person in front of her.

The person she had messaged was her cousin Simran, who had been the mastermind behind everything.

Looking back, Kirat now asks himself, “How could you have been so stupid?”

Kirat's shocking story was a hit for podcast producer Tortoise in 2021. You can do that Listen to it here on BBC Sounds. Now, three years later, Netflix recently released a documentary in which she recounts her experiences.

She says telling her story has caused others to ask the same question: “How could anyone fall for this?”

It has also led to some people being insulted online.

“For people who might still think I’m stupid. That’s fine, you’re allowed to express your opinion,” she tells BBC Asian Network News.

But Kirat says people shouldn't make assumptions — and that pushback was partly what motivated her to tell her story.

“I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid. I am the one chosen to speak.”

“I'm the one putting myself in the line of fire, and I hope others come forward,” she says.

Which raises another question: Why would someone who has been deceived in this way put themselves in the public eye?

Kirat, who comes from a Punjabi background, says it was important to speak out because she wanted to combat stigma in the South Asian community.

“We are so afraid to educate ourselves about these topics,” she says.

“Because of the way a community is perceived by society, victims in our communities continue to suffer.”

Kirat says her father's reaction to her story is a good example of what she means.

“He doesn’t want to know what happened,” she says.

“Because it will be painful to come to terms with what happened and how terrible it was.

“I love my father and I know he loves me,” she says, adding: “He grew up with different values.”

Kirat says she hasn't spoken directly to the “real Bobby” about what happened and attributes this to the community's reluctance to have difficult conversations.

She wonders if her experience would have been the same if she had come from a different background.

“I would make different decisions,” she says.

“Because we have a responsibility towards our community. You have the pressure of family.”

Despite some negative reactions to the retellings of “Sweet Bobby,” Kirat says she would rather address the questions in advance.

“If you see me, don’t be afraid to approach me,” she says.

“And if you want to say something that might be controversial to me, that’s fine.

“Let’s discuss it,” she says.

When asked if talking to podcast or documentary producers gave her a sense of closure, Kirat isn't so sure.

Simran declined offers to take part in the documentary in which she is played by an actress.

Kirat successfully filed a civil lawsuit against her cousin and received compensation and an apology at the end of the process.

A statement from Simran included in the program said: “This matter concerns events that began when she was a schoolgirl. She considers it a private matter and firmly rejects the numerous allegations that she believes are unfounded and damaging.”

Kirat says Simran was not prosecuted and wants her to be held accountable.

“I don’t agree with this person being out there,” Kirat says.

There's another question she can't answer: Why?

Kirat doesn't think she'll ever truly find out what drove the campaign against her.

“I think I gave up a long time ago,” she says.

“The extent to which this person has shown can never be justified.

“I can't understand why you didn't stop…what gave you joy, hearing someone suffer.”

But not having answers doesn't stop her from moving forward with her life, including dating again.

“I'm working really hard, harder than I need to right now to rebuild my life and career,” she says.

“I don’t carry the victim mentality with me. I don’t want to be that person.”

“I will continue to work towards my goals and dreams.”

Sweet Bobby: My Catfish Nightmare is available to watch on Netflix.

Listen to Ankur Desai's show on BBC Asian Network live Monday to Thursday from 3:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. – or listen in Here.