We received a settlement after our son's death. Everyone wants to tell us how to use it.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My family is reeling from the sudden death of our teenage son “Tyler” 19 months ago. He died from an apparent medical error at our local hospital and the local news reported it. We tried to keep it private, but people know. You also know that we sued because the hospital system gave interviews. The money won't bring Tyler back and we are all still grieving, but this doctor will no longer be able to hurt others.

The problem is that everyone on my husband's side is involved in our business because of the money. I think they think there's a lot more than there actually is. Their opinions range from sweet/misguided (“They should start a nonprofit to help other families navigate this particular hospital system”) to kind of selfish (“They should spread it among all the cousins' college funds!” “) to the blatantly selfish (“You should pay for a Disney family trip to honor his memory!

What we're actually doing is: paying the lawyer, picking up the financial leftovers from over a year of grief, and paying for special therapy for Tyler's twin, who ended up alone with Tyler and blaming himself. We will also put some money into his college fund and use 10% of the settlement as emergency savings. And that's it. My husband is normally good with family boundaries, but he is so deeply grieving that he doesn't say anything. These people always tried to harass him financially and he always pushed back. What's the harshest thing I can say to them?

– Grieving Mom

Dear grieving mother,

Frankly, the behavior of your husband's family is irresponsible. Not only is it none of their business how you use that money, they also seem to have no regard for the fact that you are grieving the loss of your son. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

A fair response to this kind of heartless behavior would require some exaggerated words that I shouldn't write here. However, if you want to respond politely to them, your response should convey the message that 1) the matter is not up for discussion, 2) you are grieving, and 3) their behavior is hurtful. I would say something along the lines of, “We are living through one of the most distressing experiences a human being can go through, and we are trying to focus on helping Tyler's brother come to terms with this traumatic experience.” We are not in line with your wishes or opinions, and your comments about our financial affairs have made matters even more painful. We need space to grieve. Please do not communicate with us, we will contact you when we are ready.” Of course you are saying something that is most important to you, but hopefully this example can get you started.

I doubt his family will take this well. You don't sound particularly sensible or understanding. But the goal isn't for them to understand where you're coming from – it's for them to walk away so you can find peace wherever you can. This gives you the space to process what has happened and you are there for your other child to help them process it too.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I'm moving in with my partner, and although I'm pretty optimistic, a friend advised me to think about the injustice embedded in our future living situation. My partner owns the house and I pay him the rent (about 55/45 of the total mortgage, with my share being 45%). We have a lease and I pay the electric bill while they pay the gas. They make a little more than me and I have a lot of debt, so they have more “disposable” income overall.

I wonder if I'm being a bit naive about the logistics or fairness of paying part of the mortgage on a house that doesn't belong to me. For example, my friend recommended that I pay a little less rent so I can add more to my savings because I will increase the value of my partner's largest asset without benefiting from this benefit. If we split up, my partner would be left with the assets of his house and I would have no equity or anything to show for it. I haven't thought of this as a power imbalance before and I'm not sure what to suggest or how to bring it up to my partner.

– Move in, try to be smart

Dear entry,

Your friend is right. Your partner will benefit greatly from this situation as they will receive significant mortgage assistance without having to share their investment. Yes, it sounds like you'll save some money too, but it would be ideal to have a little more equity.

Could you negotiate a compromise? Even something like paying 30% of the mortgage might be fairer. This would give you more money to use to pay off your debts and still benefit from financial assistance with housing and mortgages. Another possibility: Would they be okay with you living rent-free if you agreed to take care of the other bills? Maybe even offer to pay the annual insurance bill or property taxes. This arrangement would still put some money in their pockets and you would still contribute meaningfully to your shared expenses. There are so many ways to compromise. You can also check out a “rental split calculator” online that can help you calculate.

It seems like the bigger problem may be bringing it to their attention. So first, set the stage for the conversation. Tell them that you're excited about the idea of ​​moving in together, but since it's such a big step, you want to make sure you're both comfortable with the financial side of things. Then address the problem – without accusing them of being unreasonable or unfair. Something like, “It occurred to me that we'll split the mortgage in half, but I won't get any equity.” That feels a bit unequal.” Then ask the question. “Would you think about it? [your counter] Agreement so we can both benefit?” Tell them you have a few other ideas in mind. You want to make it something collaborative. Yes, this house is their investment and they've probably already put a lot of money into it – down payment, property taxes, maintenance. But it's important to get to a point where you both feel like things are fair. This way, you can avoid building up potential resentments that could jeopardize your relationship later.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I have a half-sibling that I have never met and only became aware of many years after our shared parent died. We've had sporadic interactions via email, but that's the extent of our relationship. I wonder whether this person would have a legitimate claim to my assets should I die before him. I don't have a will because I don't have children or own any property, but I do have a 401(k), pension and other savings. In case it matters: I have one living parent, am unmarried and have no other siblings.

– I know, I should probably just make a will!

Dear Will,

It's always a good idea to have an estate plan. If you die without a will, in most cases your assets will pass to your closest living relatives. Laws vary by state. However, if you are unmarried and have no children, this generally means that your parents are still alive. If your parent has already passed away, your half-sibling could inherit your assets. But again, it may depend on your state's laws.

This also typically isn't the case with things like 401(k)s, bank accounts, and annuities, where you designate a specific beneficiary for the account in the event of your death. However, if you haven't named a beneficiary, the money could end up in your “estate,” meaning it would be subject to laws that would allow your half-sibling to claim the inheritance.

The easiest thing to do now is to make sure you have named all beneficiaries on your financial accounts. Most banks and investment firms allow you to do this online. If you're having trouble finding the menu option that makes this possible, a quick call to customer service should help. But ultimately you should write a will. You can hire an estate planning attorney to help you with this, but there are also reputable online options that make it easier (and more affordable). Even a simple solution ensures that your assets go to whomever you want – your parents, a friend or a charity.

—Kristin

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