Jenny Slate experienced “purple dark hole” feelings after giving birth

Jenny Slate became aware of postpartum reality and felt what she called a “purple-dark hole” after the birth of her daughter Ida.

“I can't tell if it's in me or if it's putting me in the spotlight or like a price tag on me, like maybe it's saying how much time I'm wasting everyone or wasting on myself,” Slate, 42, wrote in her memoirs form of lifepublished on Tuesday, October 22nd. “The violet-dark hole sounds like a corrupted version of white noise. Instead of doing what white noise does, which is cleaning and smoothing the atmosphere, what I hear coming out of this hole is more of a purple noise.”

Slate added that the feeling was like a “scratching” sound that would fill her mind with intrusive thoughts of self-doubt.

“Of course, this purple-dark afternoon event also burps messages about me or the state of things: 'You are nothing, something bad is going to happen, something is bad,'” she wrote. “And it's deeply uncomfortable because obviously I feel threatened by these statements, but I also can't say exactly what is bad and why I'm bad or why I'm nothing, but I feel like the hole is somehow the Truth says and I should just admit it.”

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The actress shared that she “tried” to stop the feelings, but she ended up feeling “crushed” by them.

Slate welcomed daughter Ida with husband Ben Shattuck in February 2021. In addition to experiencing mental health struggles after just becoming a mother, Slate also opened up about her experience with childbirth and its complications.

“When you were born, the doctor had to try everything to remove you from the opening of my vagina, and of course I had to try everything too,” Slate wrote to her daughter. “I asked them to stick the needle into my spine so I could no longer feel the pain, but it also left me partially immobile, which was to be expected. In most cases, I was immobilized from the waist down while being able to see the entire vagina. “A room full of strangers would be an image from a fear fantasy, but in this case it was about health.”

After giving birth, Slate confessed that she felt “a little shy” being around her newborn, adding that she “didn't want to be a bother” while doctors and nurses cared for her daughter.

“They had taken you away from me immediately because they realized you had your whole body but didn't know how to use it,” she continued. “You were trying to learn to breathe and they put you in a room full of other little fighters.”

Slate shared that she learned that doctors took Ida because she “couldn’t breathe.” The comedian confessed that she was “so ashamed” of not knowing what was “wrong” with her child and that she “couldn't solve the problem herself.”

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Despite her difficulties, Slate wrote that she finally came to terms with the cause of her purple-dark hole.

“I found this purple-dark hole to be a huge nuisance when it was just whining because it really wanted to make a request,” she reflected. “I have been thinking about why I feel so disturbed. I found an answer: It’s because I feel incomplete.”

After realizing the purpose of the purple-dark hole, Slate decided to fight it the only way she knew how.

“I actually have to surround the purple-dark hole with an overlay and underlay of the branches and stripes of my life,” she said. “The receipts of desires that I was able to fulfill for myself, little pieces of what my life has been working towards.”